It’s the 25th again. It takes a date to make me write – as if I can measure the journey by these milestones. 17 months today since Sam died. I thought it would be getting easier but it’s getting harder… How can it get easier when he’s always gone, instead of living his life, coming up 29 next month, maybe working, getting married, being a father? It was not to be.
I do accept that – I really do. His tumour made a normal life impossible and what he was living was a torture day after day, a fight to keep his head above water, to keep hope alive. Now at least he can rest in peace. Nothing can take away what was and all the years we had with him. The memories don’t make me sad – the photographs always bring a smile. No, it’s the future that is lost that I grieve.
Not that it is that well-defined: it just feels like a heavy weight, a physical illness, a hopelessness – a hole in the space-time continuum. I am depressed. I can find no joy or purpose in life, no energy to engage with anything. I can’t really tell you why or even specifically relate it to losing our son, but others say it’s the weight of grief, the pain of the wound in my heart, throwing everything out of kilter.
I tried to be better. I reduced my Prosac as Spring approached – I thought I would feel positive about our new beginning and that I was ready to face the pain instead of retreating from it. I wanted to feel my grief – wanted to cut through the numbness. I thought it would help, but when it came to it I couldn’t cope. As the effect of the long-term anti-depressants wore off frightening feelings came to the fore: irritability, tearfulness, anger. It was hell. The doctor agreed we would go back to the original dose.
Now the old house is sold, we are relocated, we have a new home and it is my new project. Surely I am ready for what comes next? I am planting a garden – I want to look forward! Yet each day I wake with aches and pains in my limbs, have to steel myself to face the day, plan a way through. Don’t get me wrong – I am SO grateful: we are truly blessed in many ways. We have an amazing story of grace, love and faithfulness and everything we could possibly want or need. I know that all is well, all is well and all manner of things will be well. Part of me is fine… it’s just these feelings, or lack of feelings, draining my life force, painting everything pointless.
So I continue to fulfil my supportive role for my busy husband – housewife superstar. I am so good at being responsible – or at least afraid of not being. I couldn’t let the house go to pot or the bills unpaid – I’m not that ill. Somehow keeping up with the ironing and hoovering up the cats’ hairs, organising his clothes and planning trips, helps me feel I am doing something useful. In fact it seems our lives are as busy as ever and to be honest it is exhausting – but neither of us know how to stop doing the next good thing to do. Surely seeing friends, going to concerts, fulfilling family obligations are positive, nourishing choices…? Shouldn’t these make us feel more alive, as if we are making a contribution to the world? If I do nothing I will die of boredom!
So I do it all… and when I stop to look inside I wonder why why why? I am not sure how to enjoy life anymore. All I want to do is hide – stay in bed, read trashy books, sleep if I could. Which doesn’t help at all! Go swimming, go outside – at least get dressed! Keep going through the motions even though my heart and soul are numb. When will I feel like doing something again – when will I feel that life is worth living? I live because my husband and daughter need me.
“I remember when I used to lead the congregation in procession to the house of the Lord” Yes, David – Psalm 42. I do remember that and it feels like another person in another life. Who am I now? Can I have hope again? I cannot write, be creative, produce anything, contribute anything, without some supernatural energy rising within. I need reviving! And so I wait… I wait for the Lord. Despite all these negative feelings, my lack of joie de vivre, I do still believe. My faith has not altered: God will bring it all to good. “My splendour has gone and all that I hoped from the Lord…yet this will I call to mind and therefore I have hope: because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed” Lamentations 3 – the weeping prophet knew a thing or two.
This is real life – facing up to death and grief and loss. None of us are going to escape these things! This is how it makes you feel. Yet – I will hold on hope that there is always a way through with Jesus.