Yesterday I was full of words but there was no opportunity to express them. Today I am making time, but it is possible they will not come out from hiding. It is painful to live on the cusp of ‘almost but not quite’. There is always risk in artistic expression. When I tried my hand at watercolour painting this summer beginner’s luck gave me a great start (see previous post!) but I soon found my efforts did not really produce anything to write home about – as it were. I became disappointed and stopped wanting to paint.
When will I make the time to try again? There is so much to overcome when we attempt to express something that is hidden inside us… lethargy, fear, distractions. However, on the plus side, my dabble in visual art has re-ignited my first love of photography – I suppose because with photos you only have to capture a picture not create it! My camera has been well-used again this summer and the photo-blog is back on course. There is a lot of enjoyment and creative satisfaction in that – as well as a healthy focus on beauty and light 🙂
Yes, it’s been a beautiful summer, extending right into mid-September. Yesterday – the Ides, the midpoint – was our first full day back to reality in the city that is nearer to Space than the sea. It was a culture shock to return from Finisterre (literally the ends of the earth) and is taking time to adjust. My headful of buzzing thoughts spanned memories of holiday heat and awareness of a new chill in the morning air. In the midst of the necessities of laundry and housework – get a haircut, cut the grass – a resistance to just returning to business as usual. Decisions to be made for the new season – French classes and various family plans -I even booked our Christmas hotel! How will the next few months look? How far have I come? A doctor’s appointment to review the same things – a healthy way forward. In all the shops the ‘Back to School’ displays provoke sadness at all that has passed and a loneliness at the fresh wave of young people forging forward while we grow older. The 2nd anniversary of Sam’s death approaches, the short, dark days, another marker in our journey.
And yet… I do feel hopeful. September has this effect. It’s the start of a new year, new opportunities – renewed energy after the lazy days. This morning we even welcomed the refreshing rain and last night the strangeness of putting lights on against the early gloom – the cosiness of home. The equinox will soon be here and then October – yet they are welcome because we are sated with summer. There will be time to look back at all those photos and enjoy it all again, but a new wardrobe to wear.
The last 6 months has been very hard for me: I have been so low. But the drugs are working well now, keeping me on an even keel. I am learning to be kind to myself and set good boundaries. If you put one foot in front of the other eventually you get somewhere new. On Monday I will meet my new counsellor and try out a new choir. I might pick up a paintbrush again. I will have lunch with my friend. And of course there’s the ironing… and planting bulbs for the Spring. It’s always good to welcome the dawn, even when the clouds hide the sun.